Life as "Mom"

My life as a new mother was far from singin lullabyes getting congratulated. I am convinced that I had post partum depression but without any kind of support system I thought I would get over it and every new mother felt the way I did. I cried every night. I wasn't close enough with my own mother to call and ask for her help or even confide my feelings. My husband was, well, distant. I remember one night very distinctly. Aiden was 1 week old and he was having a hard time eating (we had horrible problems breastfeeding at first). It was 1 am and he was crying and I was crying. My husband actually looked at me and said, "do you think we should put him up for adoption?" I should have run. Right then and there. I just stared at him mortified. I couldn't believe what he was saying to me! How could any person in their right mind say something like that! That was just a precursor to our life. One day he would be a great father. The next day he would be a complete ass hole. Someone I didn't know. The first year of Aiden's life was a series of ups and downs. My life was at the mercy of my husband's mood. The sad thing is it wasn't like he was even an alcoholic or doing drugs. I'm convinced now that he is bi-polar. However, any attempts me suggesting he go to some sort of counseling was met with anger. There's nothing wrong with him. It's everyone else. It always has been...and it always will be. During all of this Aiden was proving what a bright little boy he was. But I started to notice how his parents' fighting was affecting him. He was very insecure. He slept horribly. It was a fight every night for him to go to sleep and for him to sleep through the night. He didn't sleep through the night until he was three years old. It hasn't gone unnoticed by myself and my husband, James, that is when James and stability entered his life. I also noticed that he was very organized. Unusually organized for a baby. When he was 10 months old he would line his blocks up on the bottom of the stairs in a perfect line. His toys had to be in certain spots. I have learned now, this was his control in a life that was uncontrollable. I can't begin to count the number of times that his father threatened to kill himself. Or threw things. Or smashed things (like my hand painted hollowed out eggs my uncle brought me from Romania). When Aiden was 13 months old I got him out of the tub and was carrying him on my hip down the stairs. I slipped and fell on one of the top stairs and fell all the way down with Aiden. He ended up with a slight fracture in his leg. I had a couple of people ask me in confidence if my husband had pushed me. When Aiden was 16 months old, his father redeployed to Iraq and to be honest...I was relieved. I wanted time away from him again. I was so emotional when he left but not because I was upset he was leaving. I was just relieved.